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Ever Feel This Way?

If I’m being completely honest with myself I abandoned my family a couple of Saturday’s ago. I “escaped” the house to run a couple of errands I “had” to run and then I texted Bill to see if I could go and see a movie. He, being the great dad and husband he is, said yes. Now, going to see a movie is not how I abandoned my family. Why I went to see the movie was. I had run my errands and the thought of going back home was overwhelming. I had too much to do {the house was filthy}, I didn’t want to play cars, Mickey Mouse, or Elmo one more time, I didn’t want to change a diaper or worry if they had eaten. I wanted to check out. So I did.

The past couple of weeks I have had a really hard time. My personality is usually able to hold it together pretty well but I was pretty much falling apart and I think it was pretty obvious. I was irritable towards my boys and at times downright hateful towards my husband. {I’ve had to do a lot of apologizing!} I cried because I couldn’t find a long sleeve white t-shirt for Thomas and when the photo center wouldn’t let me pick up my pictures without having the photographers release. I was a mess.

I could blame it on a lot of things: Will no longer napping, Thomas being newly very mobile and getting into everything, moving, trying to make friends, planning a birthday party, and the list goes on and on and on.  Then I had to take a good hard look at myself and confess that the problem was me. Being selfish.

And I love how God can really teach us when we’re at a really low point. The first was a “treasure” from my Mom reminding me that God is the potter and I am the clay and when he notices an imperfection he doesn’t leave it but squashes the pot and starts remolding. I definitely think that God is working on me by breaking down my self-reliance and causing me to truly depend on Him for every day endurance.

And I love how I can learn and connect with other moms via blogs! Seriously, some days these are the only things that make me feel “normal!” And guess what? I’m not the only mom who sometimes feels like their lives are spiraling out of control – just this week these blog posts let me know that I’m not crazy!

Little Steps {Kelly at Kelly’s Korner}

Guess What, Guys!? {Amanda at Baby Bangs}

Thoughts on Vocation…. {Abba’s Girl}

This blog by Katy is one of my all time favorites. You just have to read it because I can’t describe it but even though she is also the mom of 2 young boys she has such peace and joy that comes through her writing. Not that she’s perfect – she shares the hard things too!

Embrace & Let Go {Katy Rose}

God has also revealed some very practical steps I can take to be more focused and intentional in my every day life! Love that God doesn’t leave us in our broken down, crumbling pile of mess but lifts us up to do what He has called us to do and gives us the strength and endurance to do it!


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4 Responses to “Ever Feel This Way?”

  1. Karen says:

    Oh Amber – how I admire your ability to self-analyze and not only be honest with yourself & your husband but how you lay it all out there for everyone to see. I think you are a tremendous role model for all of us. Everyone needs to be more honest in self-assesment. I cannot relate to having two small boys (plus all the additional strain you’ve had in the past 6 months) but I can relate to the way God molds and remolds us – after Bobby died, all I could do was question GOD as to why. But now I have a peace about it and I know HE is leading me to the next phase. If you ever need some time to yourself, I would be more than happy to come stay with the boys for a few hours {I do know how to change diapers ;o)} All of us need a break from time to time, so please don’t hesitate to ask. I love you!

  2. Robin says:

    Amber – If she’s honest, every mom feels that way sometimes. I’m biased, but I think being a mommy is THE most important job there is. :) I love that I had the privilege of staying home with my children, but one of the best things I did, for them and for me, was to have some time away from them. We didn’t have family close, but I had a wonderful elderly woman who came one afternoon a week so I could get out for a bit. Sometimes it was for necessary errands like grocery shopping, but more often than not is was lunch with a girlfriend or shopping or a visit to a museum. I was a better mother when I came home and my kids got some valuable time with a “grandmother” as both of their grandparents lived several hours away. Fully depending on God was the best advice you had in your blog. So glad Kathryn gets to stay home with Annie and I am SOOOO glad I am in town and can give her a break. It’s such a sacrifice. :)

  3. Honey says:

    I love your honesty. I enjoyed reading the other blogs as well. What great support!

  4. Mimi says:

    Amber, you are so lucky to have so many “Mom” friends. You are special and always will be to me—my little #1.
    That’s a lot to deal with in the past few months.
    Don’t be too mean to Bill for you couldn’t have picked a better husband!